True Love Never Fails

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True Love is ...
Counterfeit "love"
Find the right one
Key questions to ask
More questions
Covenant Marriage
Sex and intimacy
Conflict resolution
Justifiable divorce
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Communication Architects

Conflict Resolution.

Virtually all relationships experience some degree of conflict from time to time. It is the frequency and magnitude of conflict, and the way in which it is managed that varies dramatically.

If a man and a woman have adequately "calibrated" their lives before they enter into marriage, then the frequency and magnitude of any conflicts that they may have can be dramatically minimized ... almost to the point of being inconsequential to them and imperceptible to anyone else.

The first consideration, in conflict resolution, therefore, should be preventative action -- to minimize the risk of conflicts. If a couple is sufficiently mature and sufficiently compatible and sufficiently of the same mind in the most important areas, then the risk of conflict will be significantly reduced.

The 200 questions in the VSI Questionnaire, presented in the True Love Never Fails Guide will surely uncover the most significant areas of potential conflict. If any man and woman will thoroughly and completely answer all of those questions for each other before marriage, then the potential for any "ugly surprises" coming to light after marriage will be highly unlikely.

The second consideration   has to do with basic temperament, maturity, and personality. Some people are hot-tempered and/or quick tempered. Some are very mellow, easy-going, and not easily "ruffled." Some are naturally soft-spoken and others are highly excitable and out-spoken. Whatever a person's natural temperament and personality, over time anyone can learn to better "manage" their own personality and temperament so that they communicate better and relate better and more effectively.   Anyone who has not discovered how to bring their own personality and temperament under reasonable control will be seriously handicapped in trying to achieve conflict resolution. Beware and be forewarned:  If you marry someone whose basic temperament is out-of-control, you are going to be in for a very rough journey.

Some try to argue that it is "ok," some even say it is a good thing, to just blow off steam and get anything that is bothering you off your chest ... and then "kiss and make up later."   Don't you believe it.   That is immature, ungodly foolishness.

Jesus said: "Blessed are the peacemakers."

The Bible also says: "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and yielding, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy." (James 3:17) and "Let us follow after the things which make for peace and things with which one may edify another." (Romans 14:19) and "God is not the author of confusion, but of peace ..." (1 Corinthians 14:33) and finally, the fruit of the Spirit are defined as: "Love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance or moderation." (Galatians 5:22-23).

There is nothing wrong with having different points of view and minor disagreements.   Everyone ought to be free to express their own view without fear of argument from the other. An exchange of different points of view can be healthy and constructive.   The test of wisdom and maturity is to be able to express differing points of view in a calm, peaceful, gentle manner.

The third consideration, in conflict resolution is to come to a mutual understanding and agreement (preferably prior to marriage) about how any conflicts that may arise ought to be handled.

In the Bible, in Matthew 18:15-17, God has spelled out a very clear procedure for conflict resolution. Here is a paraphrase which captures the essentials:

Step #1:   If someone wrongs you (or you have some conflict with them), then go to them and communicate your concern to them, just between you and them alone. If they will hear you and be responsive to your concern, then the two of you will be able to resolve the matter privately.

Step #2:   If they will not hear you, or if you feel that they are not being responsive or reasonable, then take one or two godly counselors with you to discuss the matter with them further so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

Step #3:   If they will still not listen, then it may be necessary to present the matter to a larger group of fair-minded individuals to consider and recommend some resolution to the conflict.   If they still refuse to be responsive and reasonable after that, then it may be that the concensus of the group will determine that one who has wronged you and is unwilling to cooperate in a reasonable remedy may have to be judged, condemned, and put out of fellowship.

The bottom line is that in any conflict, it is always possible to achieve a resolution if the parties involved are willing to be reasonable and listen to reason.

Of course, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.   The purpose of this conflict resolution procedure is to facilitate an orderly and peaceful solution in very significant issues where there is a serious dispute.   This procedure is obviously not intended or needed for trivial matters.   One needs to use good judgment in deciding what issues are really important enough to be worth fighting over.

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